i am weak.

mm somehow haha walking back from boonkeng really makes me wanna blog =p oh well just gonna talk about totally random stuff as usual. yeah i walked back again from boonkeng after tuition today.. and as usual saw many things that made me smile =) haha there was this father-son pair that was jogging along the canal somehow i noticed that the kid's legs were damn damn thin =p but yah when i saw them running i was thinking like if i had a brother would he do the same with my dad.. and if i had a son would he do the same with his father haha =p the kid kept running and looking at his dad haha then i was trying to decide whether it was dad-dragged-kid-out-to-run or kid-insisted-on-following-dad-to-run =p the latter does happen! maybe if the kid is still small.. now if my dad or someone drags me out to run uh i'd be abit hesistant =p haha but last wed i decided to go run (and i did!) then my little sis kept saying she wanted to follow me but in the end she didn't =p

mhmm there were so many people jogging at that hour lah! and the neighbourhood playground was like crowded with little kids and mummies and their prams. i dun ever remember going out to a playground to play in the late afternoon on a schoolday =p and i dun think my childhood was deprived lorh. maybe different families just do different stuff =p mhmm today was the last day for one of my tuition kids! then tomorrow another one and the day after another one then no more tuition! mhmm then after that it's just nice one more week before i fly off already.. so fast! it occurred to me that i have like single digit days left in singapore when i was sending clarence off at the airport yesterday.. mm time seriously flies.

maroon cars. seriously lah every time i see a maroon car it will be a toyota. are there only maroon toyotas around? or maybe it's just me.. mm somehow i dunno why even until now whenever i see a maroon car my first instinct is to look at the car plate number. seriously. haha i dun understand why i do it really but it's just smth that occurred to me just now when i was waiting for the bus.. like i expect to see a certain number like that. and even if i do so what? so rubbish.. should try to get that habit out of me. haha but yah i can predict that i probably won't ever be getting a maroon car. anyway i still think black cars are nice so yup =D

mm it's really interesting how people can be really different. like how you might like the normal skinned mooncakes with yolk while i prefer the snowskin ones that are plain. and how i might wanna stay on abit longer doing smth i like before moving on to somewhere better coz i'm enjoying it but other people will probably consider that a waste of time. haha -shrug- people are different. some people might do their filing in chronological order with the earliest at the bottom while i do it with the earliest at the top. mm it's normal to have differences isn't it? i wish people could accept that sometimes. even if you like smth which i find totally disgusting i won't say anything.. people have different tastes after all. so what if people aren't like you? you don't really have to criticize and insult their taste isn't it? haha that's the reason why i like to shop alone.. i'm open to criticism. seriously. but that doesn't mean i can take it well haha. anything negative people say about me will hurt. how badly it depends on the person saying it and the content of course. but i'd get over it and it'll sink in. if you say smth bad about me you'd realise i keep quiet and maybe i appear to be ignoring you. but i just dun bother to argue back or say anything coz i'm listening and well thinking. low self-esteem yeah that's me. haha i usually dun think i'm right. i don't think much of my own opinions yah. it's a weakness of mine i guess.. haha but it's a fact that some people can afford to be more sensitive and less harsh. how would you like it if someone keeps telling you everything you do wrong and everything he/she cannot stand about you? and it's even worse right when you think he/she has faults also but you just never pointed them out coz you dun wanna hurt them. haha life's like that i guess. people give and take and well being the way i am yeah i rather give i guess. not that it's a bad thing =)

change. haha dunno why i'm suddenly so emo maybe coz i'm just not feeling too happy these few days.. tired probably. mm i think changing and making sacrifices is inevitable in this world. just that some people do it alot more than others. and even if i sacrifice for you and you are also willing to sacrifice it might not be necessarily for me.. i guess it all boils down to priority. just coz you're my top priority doesn't mean i'm yours right? haha like i said liao people are different. even if i think it's worth putting effort into smth other people might not agree with me.. but yeah putting in too much effort or being the only one who does can be tiring. and there's always that "if i die today who would cry for me?" mentality. if i didn't bother would you? haha i should learn to be more independent really. and well learn to stop changing myself to suit other people. why should i do that? especially when people don't notice. haha haojun you realise now that i like sending stuff in pdf format right? and well i never used to do that too? i wonder why. haha oh well strange things people do. haha to you people out there do you know how lucky you are? usually people only find out when they compare themselves to others. i mean like when A tells me about how B is causing problems for him/her i feel happy knowing that i'm not like that and that if i were B i wouldn't cause those problems to A. haha but do other people realise that? that things could be worse for them? i guess it's human nature. if life's going so well for you why would you think about "what if things weren't like that?" on the other hand if life's bad that's when you'd notice and ask "why can't things be like that?" people really need to learn to be more appreciative.. haha i said that a very long time ago and well i guess it's just smth that will take a very long time to change.

mm if i could only see my loved one 52 times a year i'd rather see him once a week than everyday for two months. would you? dunno why that occurred to me. i think it's just how i work. like how i'd rather have dinner at home a few times a week than eat everyday then don't have dinner for two weeks or smth. maybe it's the maths or science side of me that says that everything must be balanced and averaged out or smth =p haha -shrug- that's why i try to find time for other people. it was nice of kengseng to suddenly sms and ask to meet up.. i rarely get that haha. didn't know it can feel so good that someone is thinking of you and wishes to see you. haha ok it sounds a bit wrong but you get what i mean. i guess instead of always being the one to ask "are you free next thursday?" i should take a break and just wait. haha this is also the "if i didn't do anything no one would right?" mentality =p sometimes people do prove me wrong.. and when that happens it's nice =) but i think most of the time people really don't care. haha that's why class gatherings and stuff dun really happen that much anymore as we grow older. we get busier and no one bothers anymore. either that or "when someone organises smth and ask me then i'll come along" haha the poor someone.

oh well i think i've blogged enough. really didn't intend for this to be such a long-winded entry but i guess it's just some stuff that's been bothering me for awhile maybe. been thinking alot about people ever since i dunno.. haha everyday everywhere i go i see or hear stuff that i don't like or stuff that hurt me. but i really dun like losing my temper. and i think i control it pretty well even if you disagree. haha astee is the sort who's more likely to keep it inside and explode one day. so strange actually.. when i've been telling people not to do that. and when i didn't use to be like that also.. maybe i've just lost an outlet for me to vent on so that's why i'm like that.. people change all the time. when they go to school when they get older when they get attached start working and get married. people just keep changing.. haha -shrug- that's why you should never think of stuff like "in the past he used to.." coz like you said that's already the past. haha mm i suddenly think i'm weak. really really weak. actually i knew that long ago.. but it's just not a side of me that i really like. especially not now when i know you probably despise and look down on it. but it's ok i promised to make you all proud of me. and i know i can.. haha why the hell am i tearing now. guess i just dun like how life is treating me sometimes.. but we've all gotta make do with it isn't it? haha like what i said about how it's so hard to get a job you like hence you hafta like your job. oh well astee jiayou =)

oh as a sidenote i've been looking for a pair of silver dangly earrings shaped like paper cranes. so if anyone happens to see a pair anywhere please let me know ok? thanks =)