lonely.

hi there =) just returned from an ex-exco dinner. not in the mood to do anything now so just thought i'd blog abit. got some things to say i guess.

haha those are like some of the self-cooked dinners i had during the easter break when my housemates were like not around. really missed them lah. when i was cooking and then eating dinner alone.. really feels lonely. that's why i was so happy when they all started appearing in montrose again and we could have dinners together again =) now it's just darius left! who will be back in about 12 hours yay =D haha doesn't look appetising i know =p and you can see how sad it is.. where even though it's like suppoosedly different variety (rice, fried rice, noodles) the basic constituents are like the same. long beans, mushrooms, crabstick, chicken, prawns, eggs =p haha tt's the stupid thing about cooking alone. u can't really buy smaller portions in sain's coz it's not like a wet market and everything's pre-packed.. but anw now almost everyone's back i dun have to have such dinners anymore yay =)

mm i dunno what else i wanna talk about actually. just general stuff about astee's life maybe. lemme go on about my studies first i guess. i'm actually -abit- worried for my results this year. i dunno why but for some reason 70% seems pretty elusive now.. and the fact that so many modules are brand new (ie we are guinea pigs) and there's no like past year qns we can practise on just makes it worse. i thought i did quite ok for math actually.. until i realised i counted wrongly =p mm i dunno lah and physical chem this year really seems quite bad. coz the paper is only like 2 questions? meaning the weightage on each is quite high. not to mention that i only attended i think 1 out of 10 lectures for the course. haii. we'd see how it goes lah. i think if i do see a B (touch woood) it'll be a very good wake-up call for me =p

ok now that that's over let me move onto another part of astee's life. friends. clem just sent me an email and when i read 'it's really damn sad how bofus just broke up like that' i actually smiled. well coz it feels good to know that i'm not the only one who finds it a pity i guess. i always wondered during the past few years.. whether anyone actually missed those times together. now that i got abit of my answer i guess it makes me feel better? haha so strange. but yah it got me thinking abit lah. it's like when pple talk about jc clique and stuff i won't feel so happy. coz i ain't got one. oh well.

mm it's like i was thinking about the friends i've got (was thinking about my 21st birthday actually =p) and i realised that a large percentage of them are imperial students. like seriously. when i go back to singapore every year the number of people i actually wanna meet can be counted on two hands? and it's not like just one group of friends. it's like for the last 20 years of my life only these 9 people are the ones who really matter and can be still considered my friends. haha so sad right? maybe coz i didn't do much last time.. coz i mean other pple will have like church friends, cca mates, army buddies, dota buddies etc etc. whereas i only have like one clique (geog group!) and the rest are like one-to-one friends. haha -shrug- i feel lucky to have these pple around though so i shouldn't complain. after all i did mention before that i'd rather have one damn good best friend as compared to many many normal friends.. but it's just sad to think that these pple whom u once saw everyday in school are like random strangers now. maybe one day we'd have a gathering of some sort.. or maybe when one of us gets married and invite pple then we'd all actually get to meet up again. till then i shall just be contented with my 9 friends =)

next up love. haha i was just talking to jason like a few days/weeks back and we had a discussion about that. he started with 'love doesn't make you happy' and well i kinda agreed. we sorta have the same notions about love (which led him to conclude that we'd actually get along quite well as partners =p) haha but i think most pple do think like us anyway. love isn't simple. i'd say it's more than just saying 'i love you' everyday. even feeling like you love someone isn't enough i think. there are always those 'love is...' emails and quotes that you see around and though they all sound sweet i never really remembered any of them other than this one which i found on my friend's blog two years ago. still remember it and i like it alot =)

'The day you said yes was not the day he got on a knee and asked you. It was not the day you determined what side of the bed was yours. And it was not the day you decided you were perfectly okay with the troubling fact that he dances like a six year old trying to step on the head of his shadows. No, the day you honestly, truly said yes was the day you put his name down in the 'Who to notify in case of emergency' section.'

haha yup and that's what astee thinks love is. i dunno what exactly is the thing about it that i like but it made alot of sense to me. i guess to me if you love someone he really and truly becomes a part of your life. it's not just that you think for him all the time but smth more. haha dunno how to explain lah. but anyway i always say that if someone randomly smses you to tell you random stuff like, "can't believe i just missed my bus!" i'd think it's a sign of interest. coz it's just some totally random part of his/her life that he/she wanted to share with someone and you were the first one that came to mind. that's astee's logic of how to tell if someone likes you haha and i think it's quite true from what i know so far =p

oh about the statement that love doesn't make you happy. maybe i should try to explain it hmm. 'love isn't the feeling of joy, of satisfaction that we get. its the precepts of which we build our relationships around, that of trust and of mutual understanding.' haha quote from my friend =p uhhuh might not be understandable but it's debatable anyway. i'd say that liking someone makes you happy but loving someone not necessarily does. the kisses, hugs, flowers, sweet words etc are the stuff that probably sets off the endorphins but that's not just love. i'm not saying love should be without those though =p haha 70-year old couples married for a long time and still happily going out together.. i'd say that's love =)

oh my friend said smth else too. that love sets expectations and makes us long for smth else or smth better which can make us sad. haha i was quite surprised to hear him say that actually.. coz though i agree i haven't really heard of anyone telling me directly that love makes them sad. i remember watching 'mars & venus' awhile back & uhhuh that's kinda where i felt that loving someone can be really really painful. but it is wrong though? to expect stuff from your other half? i've been wondering about that alot and i really dunno the answer. haha oh well.

another thing i've always wondered about actually. how many married couples still do talk to each other at home every day. i feel communication's really important above everything else.. i guess maybe when you're living together you'd get the chance to talk more. i'm sure many couples face this problem actually and at least i'm better off than my friend. even if you don't wanna speak at least you listen. haha i talk alot. even if i don't show it i actually can keep talking about little things in my life for a long long time.. not that my life's interesting actually =p but well that's how pple noticed me in the past isn't it? "不知道为什么这么容易和你谈心". mm.

haha ok i'm getting distracted. browsing thru the old old emails in my hotmail inbox and getting emo =p compared to many other pple astee's life has always been really smooth & easy.. i shouldn't complain but i dunno. recently it seems to have a lot more lows than highs. whether it's regarding work, the people around me or just generally life i find everything alot more depressing nowadays. maybe i'm just growing old and cynical =p i need smth to cheer me up.. to get the chirpy astee back up again. for now i think the highlights of my days are like dinner time with the rest coz tt's when i can forget about everything and just be happy =) oh well will really miss it all back in singapore.

"wish i could be part of your world.."