numb.

maybe he's right. maybe i should have given myself more time to get used to everything considering that i've only been back for like less than three days. haha i was just looking thru all the stuff i got back and i have only one thing to say. astee you're a big fat liar. haha but then again after reading thru those stuff i kinda learnt smth else i guess.. that all those were really in the past? and i really wasn't lying when i gave my reason.. as in as i was reading i couldn't believe i said those stuff before and can't imagine myself saying all of them now. i dunno why.. maybe london has just made me heartless.

oh well nothing to say actually. except i'm numb uhhuh. and unexpectedly calm. i dunno why.. maybe it just hasn't hit me yet. haha was reading my dear cousin's blog and realised that i'm not alone. but strangely according to him the numb stage should only come in after awhile.. i guess this shows how long everything has been dragging on for already. oh well. haha i know i'm just gonna regret all of these one day but i really really hope not. maybe i would be happier getting the freedom i yearn for but then again maybe i wouldn't. who knows.

i wonder if i'm doing smth stupid. really. haha i dunno but it just occurred to me that this may be smth like what i wanted to do in jc.. i knew that double math was perfect for me but i wanted to take econs the first three months just to see how it'll be like.. then after that just go back to fmath again. haha never occurred to me what if i started to like econs or what if there wasn't any space left for me to go back to fmath. oh well. but this isn't exactly the case though. coz there's no "just to see how it'll be like" and anw i'm scared to take up econs.. i'm afraid it won't be as good as fmath then i'd be unhappy. ahh i'm really stubborn yah. it's like i wanna go back and i think i can convince myself that everything can be normal again but i just refuse to do so? and i'm quite disgusted at myself too. it's like i can't believe even until now i'm still just waiting for someone to come home.. haha haii i really dunno why things are like that.

oh well i'm tired. i guess you are too. got quite a bit of stuff for me to do next week yeah. weekend got dinner with extended family again (and maybe bakchormee when fabian's back?) haha then monday probably meeting damian and justin (the hwachong one) for dinner. then some time next week i hafta find time to maybe meet up with kenneth, go get my contact lens from cat and return joanne her luggage as well.. and i just told my mum i'd (try to) cook dinner for the family on wednesday haha so i hafta go grocery shopping as well =p ahh then the week after that my 3 week attachment with MOE starts liao. and i turn twenty somewhere in that week too ugh. i'm growing old. oh well hope i dun hafta wake up too early to go school lah. ought to start looking thru my wardrobe too to see if i've stuff to wear to work..

haii. quite late liao i think i'd just go sleep. wonder how u're feeling yah? would guess u're more affected than me hmm think i'd just go to bed and not think about it at all. there'll be bits of stuff that will remind me all the time haha especially all my passwords & stuff that are mostly somehow linked to you. oh well but maybe one day we'd both forget. i'm thankful for the happy memories of course will never forget them.. but there's always a time to move on isn't it? haha but then again maybe we'd go back one day. you never know yah? things can happen. but dun wait for that day to come.. "hope is a powerful thing" remember? it can help you but it can hurt you very badly as well. mm for the last time take care and all the best -hugs-